The way we talk to our children has a huge impact on their lives that is, the way they behave, the things they learn and their ability to listen. We ultimately become role models to our children and they tend to, in many instances, pick up our habits, behavior without them knowing. Let’s take a look at these two scenarios: A parent who is always yelling will make the child act in many different ways; he or she may be timid or may yell at their peers, or sometimes may ignore the orders of their parents.
Secondly we have parents who are so soft and mutter cautious words to children making run all over them.
In handling your child, you have to be assertive, that is you must be firm, consistent, clear, positive, warm and confident. Communicating with children in an assertive way is a real skill that shows your children you know what you are up to. Children are very smart so if you are not assertive in the way you relate to them, they find ways to get ahead of you. Let your ‘YES’ be ‘YES’ and your ‘NO’ be ‘NO’. You can do this without yelling because as L.R. Knost put it aptly, “Yelling silences your message. Speak quietly so your children can hear your words instead of just your voice.”
In my day to day encounter with children, those whose parents are not assertive and do not have one voice in communicating to their children tend to have their children running over them. There are children I have been with, who when mummy is home they have a different attitude and vice versa. I asked some of them why and they told me daddy won’t allow us use our phones or watch television week days except week-ends so when he is not around we go to mummy for such favors and vice- versa. In the long run the children end up doing what they want and they do all that you will not have them do. My dear parents kindly have one voice in communicating with your children. Try and agree on the conduct and principles you set for your children at home.
Also don’t say NO and mean YES; when your child observes that, he/she will not take you seriously.
There was a boy I encountered who was hyperactive and has observed that the words of his parents always meant the opposite so he took his parents’ words for granted and always does what they don’t want him to do. I was with him when he asked his dad if he could go and ride his bicycle outside the compound and his dad said no. The moment his dad left he took the bicycle out. His dad was furious when he found him riding on his return and thought his orders had been disobeyed. He decided to punish him by taking away the bicycle and phone for two weeks. Unfortunately for the dad his son was not bothered, this seemed strange to me so I decided to engage him in a conversation to find out why he wasn’t. “Don’t mind daddy, he will give it to me tomorrow. That is what they always do. They don’t mean their words”. Therefore, as parents we must mean what we say to our children.
In modeling your child try as much as possible to use positive words. Avoid statements like “don’t sit on that chair”! “Don’t drop the food!” and all the other don’ts you can think of. The more you say them, it registers on their mind and they do the “don’t” instead. It is better to say, “Sit on the other chair”, “hold the food gently”. We must not also use words that break their confidence. Even when your child fails, look at him/her and say something positive this will help the child do better. Negative words break them down. I once met a child who everyone believes is naughty and the parents tell her so as well as other adults, so this child keeps being naughty. I was with her when she hit another child and the child came crying. I asked her why she hit her friend and she told me she knows she is naughty. I was sad to hear that so I called her aside and looked straight into her eyes and told her how pretty she is. I also told her she was not a naughty girl but her actions sometimes make her look like one. “Whenever I see you, I see a pretty, respectful and intelligent girl,” I told her. She was so excited and went about telling everyone what I said to her. Ever since, she started acting on the words I spoke to her and I encouraged the parents to do same and she became a completely different person. That is how the power of words can have an impact on our children.
I had to handle a class of four-year-old and I had a student who was very bold and confident. She had diarrhea one day and could not control herself so before she got to the toilet she had messed herself up. This little girl kept crying so after cleaning her up, I held her hands and told her it is not her fault, it could happen to adults as well so she should not be ashamed. I had to engage her in a chat until she was happy and laughing. We went back to the class only to find her mum waiting to pick her up. She had been told about what happened and was surprised to see her daughter happy because the last time it happened at home she didn’t talk to anyone. So for this child, positive assuring words in the face of her greatest challenge or possible embarrassment, made her day and helped her overcome what she thought was the worst thing that ever happened to her. It restored her confidence once again.
Therefore parents must bear in mind that, in raising their children it is not always about telling them what to do but being examples to them in words and actions.
PASSION 